ROBOT CHICKEN: Taz Love Hello Kitty!
by TheInhibitor
Summary: Ah, newlyweds...


ROBOT CHICKEN: TAZ LOVE HELLO KITTY

INT. TV STUDIO

The TAZMANIAN DEVIL ("TAZ") and HELLO KITTY are sitting next to each other, facing an INTERVIEWER who is off-camera.

Hello Kitty is wearing a red bow on her left ear and prominently holding a computer tablet.

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**INTERVIEWER**

Today on "Soon-To-Be Newlyweds", we're talking with Taz and Hello Kitty, who are getting married this weekend. Now, how did the two of you meet?

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Hello Kitty talks by TAPPING furiously on her computer tablet, which converts text into audio. She "speaks" very rapidly.

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**HELLO KITTY**

It was so romantic when we first met! I'd just left my hotel and it was raining outside, so I was trying to get my umbrella open, and Taz was standing on the sidewalk next to me and he said — honey, what was it you said?

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**TAZ**

Taz hate water.

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**HELLO KITTY**

And I said, "Oh my god, I'm a cat, I hate water too!" Well, I didn't say it, I typed it out on my iPad which then processed it into audio. You see, I don't have a mouth, because I speak the language of the heart. Some guys find that kind of off-putting, like stupid penguins who think they're too good for me. But not Taz! He's so wonderful, he loves me just the way I am! I mean, so what if I don't have a mouth? I can still talk with my iPad, so it's not like he's missing out on anything, right?

.

**TAZ**

_(slightly dejected)_

Mah.

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**HELLO KITTY**

And all my other orifices have been closed off by love, hope, and friendship or some crap like that. So I'm really one of a kind!

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**TAZ**

_(deeper, more dejected)_

Maaah.

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**HELLO KITTY**

I don't even really have functioning hands, either. They're kind of stumps. I'm completely unable to manipulate most objects, even ones that other people can handle anywhere from tenderly to vigorously!

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**TAZ**

_(bends forward, puts head in hands, groans)_

Nnnnng.

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**HELLO KITTY**

I know, Taz, I can't wait until our wedding night, either! Now, I still have to lose about half an apple to get into my wedding gown — which is white, by the way, because I have totally saved myself for marriage, unlike some people I won't mention who wear yellow and put their bow on their right ear like total sluts.

_(pauses, then tersely)_

I'm talking about my sister.

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**INTERVIEWER**

Your twin sister, Mimmy?

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**HELLO KITTY**

Yes, but I won't mention her.

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**TAZ**

_(hopeful)_

Taz call Mimmy?

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**HELLO KITTY**

No, Taz, I don't want you talking to her, and I don't want her anywhere near my wedding. She and I are just completely different people now. She doesn't even look like me anymore. I don't know if it's puberty or plastic surgery — I think it's plastic surgery — but she's wound up with all these curves, bumps, crevices and indentations. She's like a walking … female … slam canyon or something. She's giving a bad name to pussies everywhere.

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**INTERVIEWER**

It sounds like the wedding has brought up some very raw emotions in your family.

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**HELLO KITTY**

Yes. It's been difficult. But I'm not going to let it ruin my special day. I've learned that life is unpredictable, and you have to cherish what you've got. It's so funny, the day we met, my sister and I were in town for Kitty-Con, but she left the hotel just before I did. If Taz hadn't stopped to devour that small, defenseless police horse, he would have run into my sister Mimmy instead of me!

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**TAZ**

_(grabs magazine from side table next to his chair, uses it to cover his crotch, gets up from chair to exit stage right)_

Taz bathroom.

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**HELLO KITTY**

_(sweetly)_

OK! I know how much you love the bathroom! But don't be gone too long, or I'll miss you!

Taz exits stage right.

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**HELLO KITTY**

_(looking at Taz off-screen)_

Wow, I hate to see him leave, but I love to watch him walk away! Taz, do one of your classic whirling, spit-growl exits!

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**TAZ**

_(off-camera, unenthusiastic and perfunctory)_

Eep. Op. Ork. Uh-huh. Thhhpft. Taz love bathroom.

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Bathroom door OPENS and CLOSES off-camera.

Cut to Taz staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. Hello Kitty can still be heard CHATTERING in the background.

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**TAZ**

_(sighs)_

What for you marry unholey prepubescent blabbermouth chew toy when you could be banging curvaceous walking slam canyon?

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**HELLO KITTY**

_(off-camera)_

Taz! Come quick! We have to tell them about our honeymoon! We got tickets to Hawaii! We're going to spend a whole week at the beach! Oo, I love the water!

.

**TAZ**

_(perplexed)_

Mah?!

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END SCENE.


End file.
